Sincerity = Feeling Naked?

Stepping out of the safety of criticizing others

If an oracle told you that you’d never be published, would you keep writing?

That’s basically the question I pose in my fourth Below the Fray video essay. The video is about why I write fiction. And in this video I found myself with…

NOTHING TO HIDE BEHIND!

In my first three videos, I praised and criticized a bunch of cultural figures. I didn’t realize how much I was using this critical posturing as a shield until I made this video and suddenly felt kinda naked.

Naked as in exposed. But also as in a little exhilarated, like I’m skinny-dipping alone on a moonless night.

I still have humor as a shield to hide behind, and God knows I use it. But I decided to make this video more genuine. More personal. At times I reach for something almost… lofty.

Why am I scared of doing this? Well, I have tracked with mounting anxiety the use of the word cringe in popular culture. Because deep down there are two answered questions about my soul.

1. Am I an asshole?

2. Is my personality “cringe”?

To answer question #2, I need to give myself a motivational speech that goes like this:

Hey you. Blake. You are cringey. You’re a cheesy, extra, tryhard pick-me. You sprinkle in a couple jokes so people won’t immediately see how pathetically earnest you are. Well, jig’s up. But guess what, dumbass? Censoring yourself because you think someone is gonna make fun of you? That might be the only thing more pathetic than actually being corny. Just fucking own it, dude. What are you, sixteen? Jesus Christ.

It’s like I’m swimming naked in the lake by myself at night, unable to fully enjoy it because I think the jocks are about to pull up in their Jeeps with the spotlights.

So yes, just as my grandfather put himself in harm’s way and was injured by shrapnel on a PT boat in the Pacific theater of World War II, so too I must rise to the moment. I must risk appearing genuine on the internet.

THE FREEDOM OF YOUTUBE

But honestly, this video was the most fun to work on. In part because I got to pull together so many things I love. I got to include Susan Sontag AND Key & Peele. Roald Dahl AND James Baldwin.

Elif Batuman says this Peanuts strip captures the essence of writing.

What a joy to be able to grab clips and quotes from these heroes of mine and smash them together. I had so much fun cutting from Charles Bukowski to Kendrick Lamar. It took me several hours to find the specific Snoopy comic Elif Batuman references as she discusses the joys of writing, but I found it, damn it! And when I did I pumped my fist in triumph.

I started this YouTube channel very cynically in the hopes it would make me attractive to a literary agent. But just like with writing, I’ve discovered the joy in the process.

iphone camera used badly (left); new Sony FX30 (right)

I bought a camera! I don’t have to film on my phone! I went into B&H and the clerk was so helpful.

sketch by Andy Alvez

I collaborated with an illustrator in Brazil! This shit is too much fun.

I’m going to do a video in the future on what Jay Smooth named The Little Hater. The Little Hater is the voice in my head telling me to stop and quit. Telling me I should care if some stranger thinks I’m corny.

An important part of the artistic process is telling the Little Hater to shut up.